Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse by Lynn Heitritter

Author:Lynn Heitritter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
ISBN: 9781441203380
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2006-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

Many faces can hide an inner sense of shame. Adult survivors . . .

• . . . are tired—physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted. They are tired of trying to please others, trying to please God, and often just tired of living.

• . . . have a shame-based identity, nearly always feeling that something is wrong with them or that they are “less than” others. This identity produces a “shame filter” that colors every aspect of life. This “shame filter” hears shame messages, even when they are not intended. This “shame filter” governs their responses to life circumstances, such as finding it very difficult to admit mistakes, needing to “prove” themselves, or always having to be “right.”

• . . . feel that their value comes from what they do or don’t do, what they have or don’t have. This faulty perception makes it very difficult to believe they can be loved and accepted without strings attached. They tend to think they must earn or repay any acceptance they receive from God or others. They find it very hard to accept gifts, whether it is the free gift of salvation from God or material gifts, compliments, or rewards from others.

• . . . are unaware of personal needs or how to get those needs met. Not knowing what “normal” needs are or how they can be appropriately met, the “norm” is often feeling that they should not even have needs or, conversely, that others are totally responsible for meeting their needs.

• . . . usually feel over-responsible for things that happen. They develop “radar” that looks for signals in situations around them to see what they did to “cause” the circumstance to happen. Their “radar” also tunes in to find out what they need to “do” to be accepted. Their “radar” is often extremely accurate in picking up hurting family problems; but because of their shame “filter,” they do not trust their “radar” and usually end up feeling that they are the problem, instead of the problem being the problem.

• . . . tend to feel helpless and incapable, perpetuating a “victim” identity, and are often victimized by others.

• . . . do not often speak directly or straightforwardly, especially about their feelings.

• . . . feel as if they don’t “belong,” desperately wanting intimacy but being afraid of others and pushing them away.

• . . . cannot have guilt-free fun, because they feel they don’t deserve to take time for themselves; if they are not producing something, they have no value.

• . . . often have “idols” as their core sense of worth—pleasing others, children, spouse, money, sex, ministry, food. When seeking to meet core needs from such “idols” continues even in the face of negative consequences, an addiction occurs.

• . . . are “survivors” of their sexual abuse, but they tend to stay in relationships where they can use those same “survival skills” rather than taking risks necessary to learn new skills to get out of negative situations.

• . . . have a very hard time trusting God or people.

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